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Sunday, 03 July 2011

Just like them

I have three older brothers, and as most younger siblings do, I looked up to them when I was little. Still do, actually. One brother inspired me to be fearless and tough, one inspired me to explore my own interests and be my own person, and another inspired me to stand up for what I thought was right even if people disagreed or ended up not liking me for it. Every single one of them were always the super cool person that everyone wanted to be friends with and spend time with. So, I always wanted to be a tough, opinionated, independent, super awesome person. I never thought I'd really get there, though. I usually had one piece of it at a time, and couldn't figure out how to have them all at once. It just took a bit of aging, like a good cheese, for it to all come together though.

Now that I'm older, and about to get married, I'm reviewing myself. You know the song by Switchfoot, that goes "This is your life, are you who you want to be?" In my days of working, I've been asking myself this. They say you shouldn't get married before you establish your own identity, so that you don't confuse yourself with what other people want you to be, or what you think other people want you to be. Very good advice, and sadly enough, nobody really thinks about who they are as individuals, much less try to trying to really establish themselves as such. A quote from a friend of mine from college goes something like this (he borrowed it from some famous person, but I remember it from him) "When you are truly comfortable with yourself, other people will be comfortable with you, and be comfortable to be themselves." So true, I've found.

So in looking over myself to answer the question posed by Switchfoot, my answer is (almost surprisingly) yes. I am who I want to be, and better yet, I am who I've always wanted to be. I've worked to develop the toughness, but still caring, the independence, but still friendly, and opinionated, but still considerate, kind of person I've always wanted to be. I'm not sure where the super cool person part came from, but, if I do say so myself, I'm super cool, and people seem to want to spend time with me. So as I move on with my life, get a new last name, and find new things I want to be, I say thank you to my brothers, who have helped me to be who I am today.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Two years today

On the nineteenth of April, when I was 19
Was the last time alive my brother was seen.
Exactly when, I'm not sure the time
But I do believe it was around nine o' nine.
I came home, said hello, then good night
Everything seemed more or less "all right."
So I went to bed, not to see him again
But I couldn't sleep, not knowing why, then.
In the basement something fell over and clattered,
I though the cat had done it, and it didn't matter.
I heard choking, but in my half sleep,
I thought it was the movie, not a reason to weep.
I soon slept like I had wished, but not for long
Just a few hours later my Dad wondered what was wrong.
He went downstairs to check, though it was a bad joke,
Then saw him hanging by his neck, and we all awoke.
The most anguished cry I've heard in my life
Soon was joined with the cries of I and his wife
All three of us screamed "NO!" many times and again,
I raced down the stairs and what I saw then
Was my brother, quite dead, layed out on the floor
I was told to make the call and raced up once more.
Screams and cries filled the house as I sobbed the address
Through the phone to the dispatcher in extreme distress.
Before they all came, my mother and I
Went back downstairs to say our good byes.
He was the color of death, one I hope you've never seen
With a dark stripe on his neck where the bungee cord had been.
I couldn't look long, as the house was wrapped up in gloom
So my mother tried to let me sit in the room
Where my brother had spent a lot of his days
Beating games and where we had talked evenings away
But I couldn't go in there, so upstairs we went
And Mom desperately flagged down the men who were sent.
The sirens and lights were in my front yard
As my brother lay alone, cold, dead and hard.
They quickly determined what we already knew
And we all kept asking, "Why did you Andrew?"
We searched for notes and clues for an answer
Mom called my brothers and then the pastor.
My brother who lives close came with his wife right away
So did pastor with his wife, but they didn't stay.
There was no indication of what went on in Andrew's head
Except that his Bible lay open to 1 Peter on his bed.
As his best friend noted later, and as we all thought,
A great battle must've gone on before Andrew bought
The lie Satan fed him that his life was worth nothing
If only he'd known how we are now all suffering.
The verdict was said to be death by asphyxiation
But his neck has also been broken, was the dismal declaration.
Even if we had known and rushed down to save him
He'd have been unable to move any limbs.
When my father asked when it had happened,
The man replied "Two hours ago, around eleven."
Eleven eleven is the time wished are made
That night it was wehn death brought it's shade
To cover our house and leave a cold chill
And when just family was left, it was so horribly still.
Maybe you don't believe in demons, but I surely do
I felt their touch and heard their laughter, too.
I knew what they were, I guess Andrew did not,
Once he was gone they had me, they thought
But they couldn't have me, and they went away,
And only sadness has touched me since that next day.
Six days later he went in the ground
There was not a cloud in the sky to be found.
Since he's been buried, two years it has been,
It's still a bit hard to believe I won't see him again.
From nine o' nine to eleven eleven
Is how long it took for him to go to heaven.
Apart from his bones, there's nothing here
No smile, no laugh, not even a tear.
Just memories is all, which will have to do,
Because there's no bringing him back, my brother, Andrew.

It's raining tonight, the same way it was then,
It's still hard to believe I won't see him again.

Monday, 10 January 2011

Haha, wow

So, I have a whole entire day off today. I woke up a few hours later than usual, stayed in bed for another half hour, and got up and thought about what to do today. Studying, cleaning, the usual stuff...then I'm interrupted suddenly when a thought came to my head that was not mine..."Will you spend any time with me today? I miss you, it's been a while..." A bit ashamed, I looked down at my feet as I stood between the coffee pot and the cup and thought "Yes, I will...I miss you too." I was very happy after that, although I had been happy before. I think something about allowing the Holy Spirit in me to "reconnect" (as if it isn't always) to God in heaven probably had something to do with it. I made breakfast and took care of a few things via email, all while secular love songs (I want to hold your hand, fallin' for you, love me do...) played on my shuffled media player. Guess what the last song that played was...Thy word (is a lamp unto my feet...) So tee hee, chuckle chuckle, God's coming through loud and clear today.

I sat down with my coffee cup and a Bible, and asked what he wanted me to read today. He said to start in Genesis, where I've been reading when don't have to be at work first thing in the morning. It was the chapter where Jacob and all his sons moved to Goshen(?) because of the famine, and the pharaoh slowly gains everything there is to be had in the surrounding areas, eventually including the land and the people. It's the first instance of taxes in history I believe, because after the people sell themselves to him for grain, Joseph (and I though he was a good guy...) sets up a system where they can grow their own food but the have to give 1/5 to pharaoh every year. That's chapter 47. I was like "Ok, famine, hard times...and the bad guy wins. What else do you want me to read?" As I was waiting to hear back I got distracted by my necklace, which has two pennies with shapes cut out of them. So I looked up all the verses with pennies...they all have to do with taxes or the parable where the workers all got payed the same, even though they didn't work the same amount of hours. All NT, too. One of the shapes in one of the pennies is a music note, so then I looked up all the verses with "music" in it...they all had to do with making music to the Lord. All OT. Except one in Ecclesiastes and one in Lamentations, where it says hard times will put a stop to such music making. Funny right? I 'got distracted' with something directly indirectly related to what I'd read in Genesis...taxes and hard times. I didn't notice that theme until just now, but it made me chuckle. So then I listened again, and he said "Ecclesiastes." I said "Are you sure? Am I thinking that to myself because of that one verse, or are you telling me?" He said "Ecclesiastes 6." I said "Ok...that's one of those depressing books, but ok."

So I went and read, and it's about how wealth (ha, money again...) is pointless. vs. 9 says "Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless; it is like chasing the wind." Interesting, considering the different ways I've been thinking of to make more money so I can live on my own and still live comfortably. That, along with the many things that have been filling up my life, have been something of a nuisance to my emotions. For about a week, I was just tired and sad about it all, until it all boiled up and burst out of me a few days ago. Those times where life just gets me down come, and then they go again so I didn't put much weight on it. However, although it doesn't make me sad any more, I've still been thinking about it all, wondering how it's going to work out. Here's the next verses...10 Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there's no use arguing with God about your destiny. 11 The more words you speak, the less they mean. So why over do it? 12 In the few days of our empty lives, who knows how our days can best be spent? And who can tell what will happen in the future after we are gone?

So basically..."DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT." God's got in under control. Ready for the next ones?

7:12 Wisdom or money can get you almost anything, but it's important to know that only wisdom can save your life. 13 Notice the way God does things; then fall into line. Don't fight the ways of God, for who can straighten out what he has made crooked? 14 Enjoy prosperity while you can. But when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. That way you will realize that nothing in life is certain.

Yup yup yup, "Just chill, God's got this." Times of prosperity will come, and I should enjoy it, but now, in the not so prosperous time, (and always...) I should focus more on wisdom than money. Wisdom is letting God take care of things, and me just doing what he gives me to do, not chasing the wind, and money that floats away on the wind (taxes...). The other thing that he showed me today, was that in all of Ecclesiastes, everything is futile, except relationships with others, following God, wisdom, generosity and diligence. So that pretty much sums up everything I read in Genesis, got "distracted" by with pennys and music, and went to the depressing book (that is actually one of my favorites) for. Funny for everything seems so much simpler now.

How I missed hearing from you like this.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Home schoolers

Keep in mind while you read, I am an ex homeschooler. All the way up to college. I don't have anything at all against homeschooling. I have problems with today's homeschoolers.

When I was younger, homeschoolers were assumed to be more nerdy than your average public schooler. I always took the word "nerdy" and translated it to "smarter" or "more intellectual," so the word never bothered me. We all did normal things, like playing on sports teams, going to youth group, and all the other stuff "normal" kids did. We were just always smarter, that's all. Well, now that I'm out of school, I'm trying to position myself back into the hoemschool community by being a writing tutor. I'm also the assistant coach for their basketball team, but that just hasn't been cutting it. In my reinfiltrating endeavor, I have noticed that homeschoolers are no longer what they used to be.

The younger ones are still safe. They read, play educational games, or play imaginary games with their friends. However the older ones are the ones who can't accept being called "nerdy," and therefore do everything they can to be just like public schoolers. This is so sad to me, you have no idea.

So congratulations homeschoolers! You are now just as likely to be preppy snots. You are now just as likely to be testosterone headed athletes. You are now just as likely to be the quiet emo kid. You are now just as likely to be the classic rock lovin' wanna be hippy. You are now just as likely to be the kids who seems to be quiet and nerdy, but in actuality stays in your room listening to heavy metal for hours on end, being cynical about the world. Hey, pretty soon, you may even be just as likely to get pregnant before you graduate.

I realize that people and teenagers are all different and lend themselves to personal tastes regardless of how they are schooled, what church they go (or don't go) to, and all the other variables of life. However, something seems to have gone seriously wrong with the values of the homeschooling community, over all. There are still some families where the kids are all admired because they're polite, respectful, intelligent, and hard working. But most of the ones I see are rude, disrespectful, not as intelligent as they could be, and lazy. Just sayin'...

I could go ahead and blame the parents, but I won't do quite that. What I'll do is blame the shift in intent that the parents seem to have. First, the ones that have kids in high school seem to just want to be done teaching. Most of them are parents whose kids I grew up with, and now they only have one more at home to finish up teaching. So the temptation to be more lax with their younger children could be there. The rest of the parents really don't have much of an interest in teaching their kids through high school. There could be many reasons, which I won't go into. However, the original home schooler die hards who started the whole movement, like my Mom, home schooled their kids to teach their children without the garbage of the world interfering, and to teach them God's word so that when their kids did get old enough, they would know that the world is full of garbage, and to live on the truth of God's word and His love. Parents in general don't seem to want to do that any more. They sit their kids down in front of DVD curriculum, or online classes, which are not bad in themselves, but then look at the outcome. The kids who grow up learning from TVs and computers aren't much better off than the ones who grow up watching garbage on TVs and computers.

I'm not going to try to diagnose exactly what the problem is, except to say that the primary focus of teaching at home has shifted to something than what it used to be. Again, this makes me so sad, you don't even know. To think that there is hardly anything that sets homeschooled kids apart from the world any more is so distressing. It's as distressing as it is that people who go to church and are supposedly "religious" are no different than the rest of the world. To have one more piece of Christianity slipping away is something I don't think I can swallow. We'll see what happens when it comes time to homeschool my own kids some day, and do it the old fashioned way. I'm hoping for a revolution, but I'll leave that up to God.

Monday, 15 November 2010

Songs

Ok so you know those survey things where it tells you to put your music on shuffle and then put the title into an already determined sentence or whatever? Well Instead of doing that, I'm going to put my music on shuffle and then tell you what each song brings to mind. Some of it may not make sense to you, but that's ok, I don't mind.

"The Bird and the Worm" by Owl City - "IF YOUR THE BIRRRRDDD....then I'm...THE BIRRRRRD!!!"

"This is Home" by Switchfoot - A reminder that this earth really isn't my home, and that when I go to Heaven, I'll realize that that's where I've belonged all this time. It will be home.

"Made to love" by TobyMac - An old friend got me the single of this when it came out because he knew how much I liked TobyMac. I thought it was kind of silly of him to spend the money on it when the whole CD came out soon though...

"Feelin' so Fly" also by TobyMac - There was a song on the radio when I was much younger, "Suga Suga," and it wasn't the best of songs as far as Christian standards go...but I liked it. Feelin so Fly makes me think of that song and the friends I had when it came out.

"Crazy" by Simple Plan - Simple Plan pretty much represents my "angry teenager" stage...even though it was minimal and nearly nonexistent. Crazy was one of the songs that really expresses why teenagers are angry...the know there's something wrong with the world, but they're not really sure what to do about it.

"Friends O' mine" by Bowling for Soup - Makes me think of old friends and the good times we had...we were too young to get into any trouble, but we still thought we were the kind of kids who could get into trouble if we wanted to.

"There for you" By Flyleaf - When I first met my man, this song was one of the newer ones floating around in my music library. It pretty much expressed my relationship with him. I wanted to be there for him, be a good friend like he was...and then have that one explosive "I love you" in there, ready for the right time.

"X girlfriend" by Reliant K - Reliant K always makes me remember the boys basketball team, and how they were all so cool, and how I wished I could find some common ground so they'd give me a second glance. Reliant K became popular around that time, and they all got their CD.

"Hello goodbye" by the Beatles - The Beatles are a group that mostly everyone can at least tolerate, and the fact that they're still popular says something about their music. Even if they were hippie rock stars, their music is just fun to listen to.

"Ooh Ahh" by Grits - When I played basketball, I fancied myself a bit gangsta...which is incredibly funny if you know me at all. This was one of the songs that I could actually keep up with and rap along to.

"On Fire" by Switchfoot - I got their "Beautiful Let Down" CD before my music library was very big, an I listened to it all the summer, mostly at night when I couldn't sleep. I related the songs to my best friend and my boyfriend, and thought sad thoughts. I specifically remember looking out my window one night, up at the moon, and just listening to the whole CD before I fell asleep.

"Should have said no" by Tailor Swift - The kind of thing I'll never experience...some loser guy that didn't treat me right well never get this kind of talkin' to, and I'm glad I didn't waste any part of my life with stuff like that.

"You'll be alright" by the Fray - The best line in the whole song is "Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright" which is so good...no matter what's happening today that's got you down, tomorrow will be better, and you'll be able to go on.